Stabilize then Rebuild. That has been my mantra since returning from the devastating medical experiences of January/February 2015. Stabilizing meant recovering my abilities to walk steadily, speak clearly, regain strength. All of this was happening with great speed. As was a less heartening challenge in eating, growing pain throughout my belly and each day more hours spent in the bathroom in great discomfort.
The removal of ascites (cancerous fluid) helped last week but not as much as expected. And the fluid started returning immediately. I never was so eager for my doctor’s visit as on Wednesday of this week. She palpitated my belly, looked grim and coordinated for me to go right to a ct scan. It seems my cancer has been partying hard in my belly – expanding in devious ways all of which are still not entirely clear to me but in cancer world – volume matters. It is clear that this is the most cancer I have ever hosted.
And I have no tricks up my sleeve – I have used them all. (There are others out there. They are just not up my sleeve.)
The questions of the week now are: Can I stabilize? Can I rebuild? Exactly what phase have I moved into as my fridge starts filling up with ensure – a protein drink for those too fragile to get what they need through meals?
I had decided this blog post should be light. I have posted a few too many heavy ones of late. But what with reality, what can I do? But here is something that cracked me up yesterday. A fairly credentialed writer and blogger wrote a piece called, What if people treated other cancers like they do breast cancer? I looked forward to a good read on funding unfairness. But instead it was a rant (honest and accurate) on the silly ways breast cancer gets attentions but still totally tone deaf to the invisibility of the other 1999 forms of cancer.
It’s a crazy world — let’s find joy where we can.
I do not know what is next but I hope a plan will allow me to enjoy as much of 2015 as possible. (I’d love to step a toe into 2016….)
Lots of love and appreciation, marcy