Tag Archives: cancer vacation

Goodbye Sweet Cancer Vacation

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My last infusion of chemotherapy was March 15th. I realized that I might be getting a chemo break aka cancer vacation in April just as some of the heaviest detoxing from avistan was happening (relentless headaches and body pain.) My two docs officially agreed to give me the summer off in May. Loving the concept, I greedily pushed to delay testing until August and the answer was yes!

Oregon’s weather during these same spring months was a rare and absolute delight – day after day. Most agree they have never seen a more perfect spring. I took delight hour by hour. My many walks each day slowed by the need to smell too many flowers. My husband finished off our patio giving me a dream location to visit and rest between walks and the occasional task.

The first month I moved slowly with recovery, the second month I jammed in a four state solo road trip across the great northwest then returned home to transform a barren gravel area into a newly envisioned meditation loop. I cleared the area, I gathered 36 boulders from other places into an oval, I dug down two feet to loosen the hard gravel and then relocated five yards of compost berming up my new “meditation garden.” (More on that topic soon.)

My Meditation Garden!

My Meditation Garden!

Done I collapsed thinking, “wow, I might just have overdone these past few weeks.” But I was pleased as I took to rest and recovery. Every day I seemed to need more rest and had a few new complaints but I stayed slowed down and waited to feel better.

Yesterday I sent the below email to friends. My cancer vacation is over. It was a lovely break.

Subject: Marcy’s cancer takes a gallop

As some of you know the last two weeks I have faced dramatic changes in how I have felt. Technically, for the first time feeling “symptomatic.” It was almost hard to take seriously cos the changes are so fast and severe. Almost.

I asked for testing Monday. It was approved Tuesday. Tests happened yesterday. Doc called this morning before 8 am to say the cancer is very active and moving fast. She said she would be back in touch asap w.a plan and “we would fight.” Her immediate suggestion being topotecan and avistan.

I am working to get my files to UPenn hoping they might be game for surgery. I dont believe my cancer is very responsive to chemo. My doc here is not open to surgery. I have not yet seen the report myself but I feel it – deeply and constantly. It is effecting my breathing and moment by moment comfort.

Mike is sad and I am pretty focused with little room for emotions. We had the separate drama of me losing consciousness Tuesday morning. He didn’t like finding me collapsed on the floor bleeding. We think it’s a food/sugar related thing but it’s hard to get a doctor to comment on that right now.

So, not much more to say. I had felt pretty cocky that this was not my year to die but I dont feel cocky about anything right now. Cancer is relentless and random and I am a teeny tiny pawn doing what I can. YOUR support means so much. Right now we have nothing much to say – this is all that we know. Two weeks ago we were on a cancer vacation. ;  ) Neither one of us has much ability to manage a conversation right now unless you are a doc.

I do value what a very lovely spring this has been. Watch out – it’s Friday the 13th out there. Stay safe.

lots of love, marcy10152646_10152422082198708_4231432561548744429_n

Travels & Work Despite Metastasized Cancer

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I have been quite remiss in my postings but as some have noted, less news can be imagined as good/neutral news. Health wise I hope still to be stable in remission. My last blood test in April was my first upward incline of numbers, very scary for what it could portend but too isolated to indicate much yet. I chose not to get another test prior to departing for a month reasoning the most obvious result would be another uptick in numbers walking me out of remission and the best results just kept me waiting for the next test and the test after that eg my new status quo. Cancer vacations are fun and all the more so when combined with a real vacation. I opted for the cancer vacation.

Back in late October 2010 I received an email you never anticipate. It was simple, stating “We’ve begun planning the Open Society Fellowship Reunion, which will take place in Budapest and Szilvasvarad, Hungary from June 7-11, 2011. At this point in time, we’d like to ask you to confirm your participation in the event. “ A part of my life that I had tossed aside when diagnosed was further travel. Travel, especially work travel, is inherently stressful for the body, the correlation between stress and ovarian cancer is more substantiated than for other forms of cancer and it was an obvious item to delete. I decided that I would not travel again. That stayed my thinking norm until this email popped up. My immediate response to the email was ‘Hell yes, I am going!’ And then my travel ban was on weak footing. Thus, in January I traveled to NYC for a rural convening. I returned home to plan a much more ambitious trek that was bookended by two political commitments – the long planned convening of front line organizers to Map the Right up in the Adirondacks and my Hungarian visit to the castle. Wanting to avoid the radiation and stress of back and forth plane travel, I needed to be gone for a month. And thus began the planning for a 32 day journey.

I just returned home late last night from these adventures. I cannot recall a single dull or sour moment. My body, after some initial drama, settled into the adventures. I was able to practice decent patterns although my diet rules dissipated fast. Blue Mountain Center, the retreat site in the Adirondacks that was stop one, has phenomenal food all healthy but they seem not to have gotten any bulletins regarding sugar. Not only did every meal offer dessert but they have clear glass cookie jars offering different home made cookies at all times….they have no one minding the cookie jars which I took total advantage of! And once my sweet tooth was activated little was safe.

My final two and a half weeks were in Hungary where one traveler quipped ‘you could well experience a soviet bloc.’ It’s a heavy diet laden with meats and sweets. Salads are true work to find. My post surgery body is at high risk for bowel obstructions leaving me pretty nervous but suffice it to say, I survived but was eager to return to my magic vegiemix for blended vegetable drinks to launch every new day starting with this morning!

It was lovely being gone and it is lovely being home. Seated here writing I look out on our lush yard, have already walked to get fresh produce and hope to walk over to a friend’s house later today to meet their newly born baby. It’s not been 12 hours and already Kaiser has summoned me for new appointments and tests. The full cancer vacation may be over but I hope to maintain a new balance between my dire diagnosis/prognosis and the lightness and beauty of the world that I get to enjoy.

When I first agreed to these travels I viewed them almost as a ‘goodbye tour’ which was how I coped with my new world order – everything was about closure. As I travelled, though, my commitment to closure faded. I awoke each day and found hours passed before I ‘remembered’ that I was on borrowed time. I intend to stay grateful for every moment I have but my travels returned me to the living as I made new commitments, planned for a full future and hope, as we all do, for the best of luck and medical care to keep me alive.

I would share more details of the travel but for now, as a woman with many commitments, I had best get back to work.

With love, marcy